How to Become a Real Influencer

No, not a social media influencer, or a Kardashian kind. If that’s what you’re here for that’s not what this is about- fair warning! This article is about real life influencers, like mentors, bosses, entrepreneurs and mastermind leaders. We all want to be liked, and if you’re reading this, I’m guessing that you’re interested in becoming an influencer too– or at least in becoming more influential. That’s great! Having influence is a great skill for anyone to have as a tool, and for those who are trying to grow their own business, like I am– it’s essential.

What does an influencer look like? Well, she looks like you! She looks like your Mom, or your best friend, or a person you greatly admire. In other words, you don’t have to be a model, or super rich, or ridiculously popular– you can be an influencer in your own way, you just need to learn how!

Let me tell you, I’ve had a lot of bosses in my career. Some have been terrible, and some have been unbelievably amazing.

It’s really easy to think back and recall the ones that were obviously likable, and the ones that were not so much. Those that are the most memorable obviously had a talent. They were influencers.

And like I said, not the kind people become on social media (although, that may eventually happen too!). But the kind of person that you want to be like, that you look up to. Someone whose phone number you keep even years after working with them, just in case you need a reference one day. Because you know they’d give you a stellar one. Someone whose advise you’d always listen to, and want.

Learn to cherish those relationships and learn as much from them as you possibly can!

And that’s the first step in understanding your own likability or influence. If you want to learn how to be an influencer of people too, take what you know and keep learning.

So where do you stand right now? How influential do you think you are?

One of the best managers I ever had, Kristen. She was the kind of manager that would teach you how to do her own job, just in case you had the ability or the desire to ever do it. Like, to actually take over her job!

Because, she said, “Who am I to hold anyone back? Maybe you’d be way better at my job than me!”

Who does that right? A very likable, influential person.

She always went out of her way to provide feedback, good or bad. The good to help you see things you should continue to do, and the “bad” was actually never really that bad.

It would have been something like, “Geez, I haven’t done a good job helping you learn how to do that! How can I help?” She always took the success of her team as her responsibility, as our leader.

And let me tell you, compared to so many other experiences I’ve had, that is freaking priceless!

I’m sure you can think of plenty of people you haven’t liked in your live too. People like the micro-manager, the criticizer, the pushy person, the nosy gossiper, the desperate suitor, the anxious friend, and the complainer, just to name a few.

What is it about those people that we don’t like? It’s more obvious to see it in others, but do we do any those things too? Ever?

Let’s be honest with ourselves now– how do we come across to people?

And how does that perception that people have of us affect our likability and potential for success? At work, in a relationship, with family, as a parent, a friend, sister, teacher, in your own business or any other roles you play?

How We Determine Influence

Maybe it’s not something at the forefront of your mind all the time, or maybe it is. But if you’re trying to be or become a leader or influencer in any part of your life, being likable could be a reflection how great of an effect your influence really is.

Think about how much of an impact your influence can be on others. Hopefully it’s a good- but do you really know?

I’m not talking about getting “Likes” on Facebook or on other social media. I’m talking about in real life, being likable, and how that can help you be successful.

For instance, do people at work ask you to go to Applebee’s with them for lunch? Or do they invite you to go out for drinks on the weekend or to their Summer BBQ? Do friends and others ask for your advice all the time and seem to value what you tell them? Do you regularly have to turn people down because your calendar is so full or you’re so busy?

Well those can be some signs that you might be likable, true. But maybe it’s also because you buy them lunch? Or because you talk so much it just seems to you like you’re always “giving” advice to people? Let’s go deeper here.

The psychologist Dr. Robert Cialdini says that being likable “is a very meaningful persuasion trigger”. He says that the top 5 likability factors are: Physical attractiveness, Similarity, Compliments, Contact and Cooperation, Conditioning and Association.

I don’t know if I agree with all of those. I mean, one of the funniest guys I’ve ever worked with was really not attractive. (I’m sorry, but he would joke about it himself, so I don’t feel too bad saying it.) But that didn’t stop people from wanting to be around him, or invite him to stuff, or ask what he thought about whatever. And it had absolutely nothing to do with his looks. He’s an awesome guy.

But the rest of those factors I do think are accurate to a point. We do like people who we see as similar to ourselves in some way. And we all love compliments, and usually like those who give them to us. We’re also more influenced by, and ultimately like, those that we’re around more often and who we work with.

And, sometimes we end up liking things because we’ve somehow been conditioned to think we should like it or them. Or, we can also associate good feelings about a person just because others do.

Do you see those things reflected in your “likes” in your own life?

UCLA did a study a few years ago and found there were three adjectives that ranked at the top of their list, that indicated likability were: Sincerity, Transparency, and Capacity for understanding another person.

I have to agree with all three of those– probably because if someone is or operates with all of those qualities, they are probably pretty cool. Oh, and authentic and trustworthy. Those are things I definitely prefer about people I like.

Think about someone that you really enjoy being around and/or look up to. What about them draws you in? Why do you like them specifically? I’m guessing it’s probably because somehow they influence your life for the better in some way. Or that you perceive them as being transparent and authentic with you, and that makes you have good feelings toward them.

That influence could be direct, by actually giving you advice, help, or something like that. Or, maybe you want to emulate them in some way. In other words, you probably derive some sort of benefit personally from liking that person.

The trick is to learn from those things about others, and figure out where you can improve in your life. No matter where you think you stand right now, you can get better!

Here’s some tips for how you can up your own likability factors:

1) Be Willing to Make Changes

As a career counselor in my day job, I see lots of people who’re struggling in their lives. They’re looking for a job, needing public assistance of some kind, and at the very least, looking for some sort of validation in their lives that will help them feel like they are worth something.

It’s really hard some days, seeing where people are stuck, and I feel for them and try to help them as much as I can. But, one of the biggest problems I see with many, (not all, but many) is they’re not willing to make changes that’ll help others to “like” them enough to hire them.

Not that that should be the driving factor that determines how one gets hired for a job. Obviously being qualified for the job should come first. But you have to know the reality is that if the employer doesn’t like you, even though you might be qualified, your chances of getting that job decrease significantly.

Maybe that sucks, but it’s the truth. And that’s just one an example of how your likability can affect you in the real world.

You should also think about the best friendships or relationships that you have. They probably all have at least one thing in common– that you like that person because of how they make you feel when you interact with them.

Don’t we all try to avoid being around people that point out our faults or weaknesses? And this is where is gets tricky, because I’m not saying that discussing our weaknesses shouldn’t happen- quite the opposite really.

Feedback is essential! How else could we expect to improve if we don’t recognize or know that we have something we need to work on? Or, how can we get better at something if we don’t know we’re not good at it?

Maybe you can figure it out for yourself, but many times you’ll figure it out because you got feedback from somebody. And in many cases I actually think it shows you care about a person MORE if you encourage them to be “better” at something.

And wouldn’t you rather help someone who’s open to working on their problems? Or someone who won’t even admit they have a problem? I rest my case!

2) Work on Your Approach

Yep, it’s really all in the way it’s presented- that’s key! People will only be able to take your “feedback” as something positive and helpful, if you do it in such a way that not only tells, but helps them feel that you care.

Just like my Kristen story at the beginning. And if I ever had the chance to work with her again, I absolutely would! She was the bomb– she inspired me to be the best I could be. And she went way above that, even encouraging me to become better than her!

Even when she had to tell me that I screwed something up, she did it in such a kind, helpful, motivating way, there was no time to feel bad. She always made me feel hopeful that I could improve. It didn’t matter where I was in terms of being good or bad at something. I just knew that she cared, she would tell me the truth, and would help me if needed.

Another boss (who will remain unnamed) I also had once came to my desk and told me off in front of everyone else, and criticized me for “messing up” and making the team, and especially him, look bad. He’d actually insult me and tell me that since I couldn’t do it, the project was being given to another colleague. (An extreme example I know, but true)

Not Kristen– she would have come to me and said, “Hey, I know that didn’t work out the way you would have wanted. Bummer, sorry about that! But let’s talk about it and see if there’s a way I can help you, or give you some guidance on how to do it better next time. Would that be helpful?”

See the difference there? No question who the likable one was. They both told me I screwed up, but one was useful and effective and the other was ridiculous and SO unproductive. (I quit soon after that day by the way)

3) Take this Test

Those are my two tips on being or becoming likable– willingness to change, and working on how you help people. And now I’ve given you some examples of how “being liked” can affect your life. Do you want to find out how likable you are?

This leads us to a recent post on Psychology Today by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD. She created a quiz to help the average person determine your own “likability score” to see where you rate.

Please note that I didn’t develop the quiz below, all the credit goes to Susan Krauss Whitbourne. But I am re-posting the questions here for your convenience!

She calls this the “Encouragement Character Strength Scale (ECCS)” And the way it’s scored is to rate yourself on a 6-point scale where 1 means you “Strongly Disagree” and 6 means you “Strongly Agree”.

So get out a piece of paper and write down your score for each question:

1) Someone has told me that my words of encouragement to her or him provided hope during a difficult time in her or his life.

2) I have been told that I have just the right words of affirmation for someone who is feeling down.

3) I know how to use words of affirmation to address someone’s deepest fears.

4) Someone has told me that my words of encouragement motivated them to consider a new opportunity.

5) I have been told that I have just the right words to help others believe they can achieve at the highest level.

6) My positive words have given someone the courage to pursue new opportunities that they didn’t previously consider.

7) I enjoy saying or writing something positive to encourage others to persevere in the face of hardship.

8) I find it meaningful to share words of inspiration with those who lack confidence.

9) I like to share words of encouragement with others who are feeling dejected.

10) I get excited about inspiring others to fulfill their potential.

11) I feel fulfilled when something I said or wrote to others encouraged them to pursue their dreams.

12) When I see others doing a good job, I like to encourage them to keep up the good work.

That’s it! The following is also from Susan’s article about how to calculate your “likability” score.

“Calculate your score, which should range from 12 to 72. You can also separate the subcategories of perceived ability (items 1-6) and enjoyment (items 7-12). The average ECCS score per item as reported for a sample of university students was 4.73, with the majority scoring between 3.95 and 5.51. If your score is in that range, then you’ve got an average degree of the ability to provide encouragement and hence be liked. Additionally, as a validity check of the ECCS showed, people who are high on this quality are also likely to be high on agreeableness, extraversion, empathy, kindness, optimism, social connectedness, and especially subjective well-being.”

4) Put It Into Practice

Yeah, I know that being likable is not everyone’s life goal. And, maybe it doesn’t really matter that much in the end. But, hopefully now at least you’ll realize that the more positively influential you are with others, will not only benefit them, but yourself as well.

Becoming more likable can potentially help you in so many ways! It can help you get a better job, get promoted, become a thought leader in your field, inspire and influence others to become better. You might also benefit by feeling more at peace.

Steve Jobs may have been a successful jerk, but is that how the majority of people succeed? Um, no, it’s not. More studies show that the best predictor of professional success is likability.

For instance, if you like this article, maybe you’ll like me? And you might feel like helping me out by subscribing to my email list. (You totally don’t have to though!)

In Conclusion

If you’re willing to take this feedback and that from those you really admire and trust, you’re going to learn more about your weaknesses. But, it’s that which can also help you ultimately become more likable, or more who you want to be.

Just remember that you can work on it, you can improve your own emotional intelligence and become more likable by working on those things listed above. See if you can’t up your score, and see what possibilities that might open up for you.

Related: 5 No Brainer Reasons You Should Start a Blog