Are You Doing Self-Care All Wrong?

Learn the Simplified Method

If you’ve used the internet in the last ten years, you’ve most likely heard the term “self-care”. It’s something that you’re supposed to do it regularly, right?.

You’re admonished to take care of your body and mind in order to become, or stay, healthy and happy.

But, in the course of your never-ending struggle for achievement, success, and fulfillment, are you actually doing self-care in a way that actually harms you more than it helps?

Or, in your effort to be caring to yourself, are you instead causing yourself to “self-destruct”?

From personal experience, self-care can quickly become just another “thing” to-do, if you let it. Here’s how I stopped letting it overwhelm me and learned how to do self-care that helped instead.

Why It’s a Trending Topic

Self-care is still a really popular topic right now. A Google search shows there’s currently about 2.6 billion articles or mentions of “self-care” to read about on the internet.

Yeah, that’s billion with a B! And, Google Trends shows that over the past five years the topic continues to trend upwards. It just reached a peak high of popularity this past January actually.

But what is “self-care” exactly?

Simply put, self-care is the idea or practice of taking time for ourselves to do things that will help us to be healthy, in both body and mind.

A dictionary definition clarifies it even more as; “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.”

In the past you may have heard it called something like “taking time for yourself”, “taking a break”, or “taking a mental health day”.

So, why are you starting to hear about it more and more even recently, and why should you care? One reason could be that it’s easier to spread messages through social media and share ideas, more than it ever has been.

And recent years have put a much bigger focus back on women’s health and female empowerment. And for the why you should care part? Because you can’t be truly empowered if you’re not in control of your health.

It seems to also have become more popularized by social media influencers and millennials. There’s even documented proof that self-care was the biggest wellness trend of 2018.

But, self-care has definitely existed in various incarnations for thousands of years. How people participate in it has changed through generations too. And there seems to be one common theme that stands- people want to feel better.

Keep in mind that I’m not suggesting that self-care should take the place of mental health counseling if necessary. I’m just sharing my own experience discovering what it means for me, and how I’ve used it successfully. Please seek out additional help if you need it!

My Self-Destruction

The idea of self-care first became of particular interest to me a few years ago. It was when I was going through a really dark period in my life.

I had really messed up things in my life, big time, and was extremely depressed and really unhappy with myself. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel for quite a while.

Looking back I have to admit I was in a very scary place.

Thankfully, my husband was incredibly helpful and supportive (and still is), he helped me find a great therapist and stayed by my side as I worked through it.

Counseling was key to helping me get to a place where I could rationally believe I could move forward. That and God, and a lot of prayer. I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for Him.

But besides those things, I found that I really needed to engage in significant self-care. I had not been taking care of myself very well mentally and even physically. I mean, I still showered every day; but I was not exercising, I wasn’t eating well, and I wasn’t sleeping much or was too much.

One problem was, at the time, I don’t think I had a clear understanding of what self-care was exactly. I thought it meant something a little too transcendental than I was interested in, like meditating all day.

Upon advice of my therapist, I started to learn more about what it really was and found it was so much more than meditation.

It was about learning how to care for myself properly to help me improve my self-worth, and specifically, to help me find my purpose again and a clear path forward.

Finding the Way

I decided the first thing I’d start working on would be trying to get more sleep. I also wanted to start exercising again, learn how to eat better, get some medical care, read inspirational books and blogs, and definitely tune into my spiritual needs more as well.

However, another side-effect of my depression was/is anxiety and the feeling of being too overwhelmed. And I soon started feeling down again with everything I realized I would have to do to get my life back on track.

The more I studied what I needed to do for self-care, the bigger my to-do list became and the more stressed out I became again.

It was not helping the situation. However, I didn’t want to let the depression and anxiety back into my daily routine, and I needed a full-stop immediately.

Another thing I absolutely did wrong was that I thought I had to be by myself to work on stuff. That I had to shut everyone else off so I could concentrate, and ignore everything else in order to practice it.

I quickly found out, after several sessions of throwing on some headphones and listening to my fave vibes quietly in the dark for an hour at a time—that my problems and deadlines were still there after the music ended.

And then I just felt more behind and even more anxious than before I did my so called “self-care”!

So that did not help me either. Music should have been calming, but to me it felt more like avoiding. It confused me- as to how to make it work.

Agnes Wainman says that self-care should be “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”  It is the essential way that you take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others and all the responsibilities you have in your life.

You see, my initial thought had been that by purposely relocating myself to isolation, and attempting to refocus my mind on something boundless and freeing like music, that I would somehow be able to release my angst and anxiety and become ready to move forward.

And that would somehow make things right again in the world. But sadly, even Norah Jones and Coldplay weren’t going to do the trick this time.

I needed to do something different, and do it in a way that wasn’t going to actually create more “work” or stress in my life.

Because I felt very fragile. I felt on the verge of self-destructing some days. I really had to be careful as to what I chose to do.

First Steps

Next, I started trying to think about the things that really made me happy, and about what would help me have the desire to get out of bed every day.

That led to me to want to make some lists.

Check-lists are my thing, so that was an easy realization. I actually really enjoy making lists and taking notes. In the past that has helped me feel organized and on top of things, so I figured I’d try that again.

However, unfortunately at this time of my life, even a check-list reminding me to do all these things for myself, became much too overwhelming.

Work was a whole other problem.

I made my lists there too, and managed as best as I could. But it didn’t go great, and honestly I wasn’t a great employee for a while. I went through several jobs during that time period as I was trying to put myself back together.

The choices I made had a ripple of consequences.

I wish it had been different, because it was so painful. But I did go through an incredible amount of learning and growing during that time too.

I learned so many lessons about what real happiness is, about my values and choices, and about what I wanted my future to be and not to be.

And, I eventually learned how to deal with the hard things in the past so that I could move forward. All of which I am profoundly grateful for.

But, while the lists were important and helped me to organize my thoughts about what really had to be done to move forward. I just had to do more things now. And they were visible reminders every day of ALL the work I still needed to do to make things better.

So again, my self-care wasn’t helping me.

Then finally—after many attempts at trying to “self-care” and days of crying because I couldn’t even do that, I figured out something I could try that maybe, might actually work this time– and it’s the thing I continue to practice today.

The Simplest Solution

My big revelation was that I needed to start working and focusing on things one at a time. And trying to look for and be as positive as I could be, every single day.

I know it sounds super simple—but its really made a HUGE difference, especially over the past 4-5 years.

The difference in feeling like I could accomplish something, even if it was going to take me a while, rather than feeling like I was failing all the time, was amazing.

Just working to develop one new good habit that would help me start feeling better, like going to sleep earlier or at the same time every day, was miraculous.

I had previously started a bad habit of staying up all night watching TV. Then that would trigger me in terms of several anxiety behaviors. And then I’d also end up never getting enough sleep.

Do you know what happens when you regularly don’t get enough sleep? Oh so many things….

For starters, you’re cranky, irritable, and tired throughout the day. Obvious right?

Additionally, your memory will start getting worse, your brain won’t be able to cleanse itself of toxins, your reaction times will slow down, and your metabolism will be affected, and more!

Once I started to go to bed at that same time, I started to feel more myself again. I felt less anxious, and it even improved some OCD habits I’d developed out of anxiety. It also felt like my brain fog dissipated and I had more energy than I’d had in a very long time.

My self-confidence also began to improve as I checked off items on my list. I was more in control of getting one thing done and handled. And with that, I slowly began to realize that it might possible to be happy again.

Putting it into Practice

I’m not saying to pretend that the “bad” or difficult in your life doesn’t exist, or that you should ignore it, or just stop making the to-do lists. What worked best for me was to honestly look at what I needed to do, acknowledge it, and then just choose to work on one thing next.

It just means that you don’t have to focus on ALL the things all the time. It might mean you just take some time to focus on the positive things that are good right now.

Which can be from the very basic of—I am alive, I am breathing, I have food, shelter, and love. Then, once you realize some of the goodness you have, you can start to recognize your other privileges too; like education, a job, a car, or maybe money in your bank account.

Now, I find that I’m much more appreciative of my blessings, when I actually slow down enough to remember them.

Here’s the steps I took to really incorporate self-care into my life:

1. Acknowledge the stress or problems I have & create a to-do list for just the things that need to be dealt with today. And, think of one thing that I’m grateful for each day, and write one line in a journal or notebook.
2.  Pick one item on the to-do list to tackle, or at least begin working on. When the first to-do is done (no matter how long it takes), move onto the next.

That’s it!

And it doesn’t have to be hard, or done all alone. You can enlist help, you can get your partner or a friend to work on it with you too. The important part is to start with one thing you can do today that will help improve your life. And to just keep going.

In Conclusion

At the end of the day, we all just want to be happy; we want to be successful at overcoming our challenges, and accomplishing our goals. We want to be strong and healthy in both mind and body. 

And remember, you must help yourself first, before you can be successful at helping others. I’ve learned this from personal experience. I’m never any good to anyone or anything until I’ve got myself centered and in a healthy place.

I hope some of these suggestions will be helpful as you begin or start on your own self-care journey. You deserve it and you really need it in your life. At least try it out and see!

What self-care practices have been the most beneficial or helpful to you in your life? Please share any tips or ideas that I can add to the list. Your name & blog will be linked back to you. Thanks!

>>>Click here to get my Free List of Self-Care Ideas<<<