How to Be Present During Hard Times in Life

“My deepest belief is to live as if we’re dying to be set free. Dying people teach you to pay attention [to the important stuff] and to forgive and not to sweat the small things.”

– Anne Lamott

When there’s hard things going on your life, it’s a huge temptation to just want to numb out. Because sometimes it’s just really hard to feel our feelings. That’s when we turn to distractions to fill the void inside.

It’s what they call “mindfulness” and it’s how you can actively engage with what’s going on in the here and now, without being too emotionally reactive.

You know life isn’t meant to be easy right? I promise that the sooner you realize that and expect to go through continual trials, they will get a little bit easier to deal with.

The most important thing is to be present in your life every day, if you can. Even though it might be so much easier to overmedicate, to drink, to shop, to do anything else than deal with a hard situation, but those things will not fix anything. If anything, they will make things worse for you in the long run.

Because when you numb out your life in one way, you’re likely numbing out in other ways as well. Unfortunately you can’t selectively numb yourself, so you’ll always be numbing both the bad and the good.

You need to be present in order to act, to respond, to absorb, to adjust, to deal with whatever problem you’re faced with. And that really gives you more control over your life than you think.

We do not have to be “acted upon”, we can be the “action takers” in our lives. That means to actively accept a given situation, analyze it, think of solutions (if there are any), plan out a course of action, and then take the action.

The opposite response would be to be face with a problem, get angry, pout or mope, complain, try not to think about it, go shopping, not talk about it, ignore it more, and then be right where you were to begin with.

It’s much more natural for us to want to dwell on the past, or think about the possibilities of the future; not deal with the present.

Why I’m Sharing

Where is all this leading to? I’m not usually into writing about what’s going on in my personal life in order to maintain some privacy. But, there’s so much going on at the moment, I don’t think I can stop myself from writing about it.

So, I thought I’d share for two reasons (1) because we’re all human, going through similar challenges in our lives and it’s good to not feel alone in our trials and (2) because I believe there’s a huge lesson and warning in what I’m about to share with you, that will hopefully help someone else.

To begin, a little background on my sweet mother-in-law, Chris. As long as I’ve known her, which is more than 15 years, she’s been the healthiest person I’ve ever met. She does her own gardening, canning, cooking and she’s been eating almost all organic for years.

She wasn’t always this way though, she didn’t use to eat and drink that way. But over time she developed some food allergies and cut a lot of things out of her diet. Namely, white flour, corn, dairy, sugar and almost all meat.

Once she cut those things out, she started feeling much better, both physically and mentally. And that eventually led her to pursue a decades long study of natural health.

Since then she’s read hundreds of books, taken dozens classes, listened to lectures, and generally become a real guru about healthy eating. For instance, her focus on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains and their healing power is unlike anyone I’ve ever met personally.

So we were completely shocked when we got the phone call that she’d been found in her home, nearly unresponsive. They rushed her to the hospital, they discovered that her colon had ruptured and she was full of cancer.

What? How could this possibly be? How could the healthiest woman we know have Stage IV cancer?

Lesson #1

Here’s the first “be present” lesson I’ve learned so far…

Recognize your fears and figure out what you’re avoiding or not being present for.

Well for starters, Chris has a phobia of needles and doctors, partly due to some bad experiences when she was younger, and it’s partly a family trait (apparently lots of people in my husband’s family have this fear). Because of that, she had not been to a medical doctor in more than 30 years.

Had she been going to the doctor on a regular basis, even just for well-checks, they likely would have caught the melanoma on her back that started it all. They would have removed it first thing and she might not have even had to get radiation at that point.

But that’s not what happened, unfortunately. It has now spread to many organs in her body. There is a possibility for some immunotherapy, but only if she can get well enough to do it. Meaning, she needs to gain about 15-20 lbs.

At this point, we don’t know what’s next for her. Melanoma spreads rapidly, so that’s not good in the meantime. Then there’s the problems with Medicare, but that’s another story altogether.

So seriously, I’m asking you to go get your annual check-ups friends! Because obviously eating healthy does not guarantee anything. See a dermatologist, see your family doctor, go to the dentist and the eye doctor if possible. Ask for those tests that can detect early signs of problems.

I’m definitely not saying it’s not good for you or that you shouldn’t eat healthy. No, I’m saying it’s not the only thing you need to do! And who’s to say that if she hadn’t been such a healthy eater that’s what has kept her alive this long?

Related Reading: 7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

I’m also not saying that doctors are all perfect and that every problem you might have will be detected by annual check-ups. But they sure lesson the probability, that’s for sure.

There are millions, maybe billions, of people in the world that eat terribly, that drink, smoke, and what have you, and they don’t get cancer. So, why her? Why now?

That’s something I think only God could tell us.

But our job now is to face the truth, to face the reality of the situation today and determine where we go from here.

I do know that watching her go through this trial has opened my eyes to things I’ve been avoiding too.

Am I mad? Or frustrated? Yes, of course! But I don’t believe it’s going to help her or anyone to stay mad and get depressed. I think it’s natural to go through reactions, but I know I shouldn’t dwell on the negative for too long. Otherwise it creates paralysis, so that’s the trick, don’t dwell.

If I don’t allow myself to be present right now, I’ll miss a huge opportunity to spend whatever time she has left with her. Being a support, cheering her on, showing love and serving her as much as possible. This leads me into my next point…

Lesson #2

Once you work on yourself, you can help others too.

A few years ago, I would have not been in a good state to be helping someone with terminal cancer. Let alone, helping my husband who’s dealing with feet problems, and is sometimes in a wheelchair.

I guess sometimes I put on a happy face and pretended I was okay, in order to help someone. But it was not a good long term solution.

I needed to be real with myself and others, and I was not doing that at all. I was financially, spiritually, physically, and emotionally a huge hot mess.

So I really believe that it’s super important for you to get yourself in a good place before moving on to be able to help others.

It’s like the oxygen masks on the airplane, if you don’t put yours on first, you’ll likely pass out and then how will you be able to help your children or spouse sitting next to you?

But because I am in a good place now, I can help Chris deal with her reality. We are being completely honest with her and her condition. Explaining what the liklihoods are of the various treatment options, and what could happen if she chooses not to do them.

I’ll admit, it’s really hard to tell someone that they are likely going to die, and that it’s just a matter of time. And it sucks to watch your parent wither away.

However, I’d rather we be real with each other and enjoy the time we have left together, than pretend it’s all going to be okay.

Conclusion

Even in the midst of living with uncertainty, you can still be present and find some peace.

That comes through recognizing your fears and trying to understand why you’re avoiding the present, and then by working on yourself to overcome those fears so you can face the truth and then help others do the same.

I realize this post refers to a very specific issue that my family is going through right now. But, I truly believe that you can use it to help you through other difficult times in your own life.

I also want to emphasize that being present does not mean that you’re forgetting the past or ignoring the future. Quite the opposite really. You can still acknowledge and accept that the past as the past, and today it is what it is. And you can still prepare and plan for what may come tomorrow.

The problem lies wherein you get stuck in the past or live fearing tomorrow. Try to be present accepting all 3 aspects of life: yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Forever here on Earth will probably not last as long as you hope it will. Use every moment you have wisely. If anything, just try to be a little better today, than you were yesterday.