Want Successful Kids? Make them Do Chores

They’ll thank you for it later.

Kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. They hear things, they watch you, they are constantly learning day in and day out. And since we know that, maybe we don’t realize how hard it can actually be for them to learn something we consider easy.

For instance, one thing I hear from many friends is that they can’t get their kid to do chores, even just clean their room. Or, if their kid does “try” to clean his or her room they actually just end up shoving everything under their bed or in the closet.

And as I seem to be the designated “organized” friend, even though I don’t have kids, they’ve often asked me for help or advice. (Granted I was the cleanest kid ever, and I was also the oldest child of four. So my siblings can vouch for the fact that I was pretty good at getting them to do chores as kids.)

My first questions to a friend who asks usually are, “Well, have you taught them how to clean that particular thing? Like really taught them? Like, by sitting down and showing them how to do it, step by step? And shown them over and over, not just once?”

And the answer is usually, “Well, no.”

I think for most, unfortunately you won’t be having Mary Poppins visit your homes and take your kids on magical adventures in both technicolor cartoon mixed with real life, anytime soon.

In that case, guess it’s going to have to be you!

Of course, others can provide help you in the teaching and influence of your kids, your partner for example, other family members or trusted adults. But, there needs to be at least one adult consistently working with them on this, who will help them understand there is an expectation to be met. Kids need structure and expectations they can work toward.

“When Should I Start?”

The author of the book “How to Raise an Adult“, Julie Lythcott-Haims, who was also a Dean at Stanford University says, “[The study] found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids…comes from having done chores as a kid” and “the earlier you started, the better.”

The study she is referencing is the longest running longitudinal study in history (75 years and counting), run by the Harvard Grant Study, who found two keys things we humans need if we are to be successful and happy in life:

#1 Love & Good Relationships

#2 A Work Ethic

Seems pretty simple and straightforward doesn’t it? “Yeah, right,” said every Mom ever.

It’s never going to be that easy I realize. You’ve already got a million little things to do for your family every day. And letting your kid try to sweep the floor probably doesn’t sound like a good use of your time does it?

Well, it might not at first. But if, over time, you keep teaching them, helping them, coaching them along, they might actually get good at it! And maybe you’ll end up having less to do for them, earlier in their life than you would have otherwise.

The important part is to not give up; keep trying, keep working with them. Even if in the beginning it seems like they’ll never get it. They will, but it will take LOTS of practice.

And think about how it’s a foundational skill they will need for their entire lifetime. They will always remember the time you take to help them learn.

Points to Remember

So with that, here’s my tips on how to help your kiddos learn how to clean:

1- Teach them one new chore at a time:

This really depends on the kid, as some may be able to handle learning more at one time, or at a faster rate. You’ll want to base your teaching pace on their individual capabilities. So, start by teaching them one thing at a time, and see how it goes.

Just as how they learn in school, start from a basic level and work your way up to harder tasks. For instance, if you want them to learn to clean the whole kitchen, start with teaching them learn how to sweep the floor. And then move onto mopping, and then the counter-tops, and so on. But start with the easiest task first.

The same can be done with their bedrooms, toy rooms, and etc. You may even want to employ some KondoMari tips to help you, to lesson the amount of items that you actually have to worry about cleaning and organizing anyway.

2- Help them work on “mastering” a task, no matter how long it takes:

This one might be the hardest one for you to do, as the adult. Our instinct is to jump in and just do things ourselves, if we want it done right or not at a glacial pace.

But, you’ve got to get it in your mind, from the start, that they are not going to do a “good job” at whatever the chore is, probably for a long while.

Remember that once you’ve committed to teaching them a task, that you can’t give up and throw in the towel. Just like you wouldn’t let them do that! Plus, they’ll see that and think it’s okay to just stop doing something that’s hard.

Let them fail, as many times as needed, but keep trying. Perhaps show them a different way to accomplish the same thing. Maybe give it a break for a few days and try again. Slow and steady wins the race. We only learn from making mistakes and then trying again, not by quitting.

3- Try to make it a game if possible:

Teaching kids how to clean doesn’t have to be terrible. For instance, this story about a neighbor girl that went over to a friend’s house to play. The short version is, they told her they had to wash the floors first. And as she came from some kind of privilege that didn’t require her to do chores, she thought it sounded fun and asked to help.

Full disclosure, I used to be that type of kid. I would play with a friend named Bridgette who had great toys, tons of them. But her room was a disaster and we usually couldn’t even find the stuff we wanted to play with. So, I made her clean her room (mostly me) before I would actually play with her. (Her mom loved me!)

Though, sadly, you won’t have me or any neighbor kid come to your rescue. (See above Mary Poppins reference) But you can look for ways to try to make things fun.

As kids in my home, we’d always turned mopping the kitchen into “fort time.” We’d move all the chairs and bar stools out into the family room, and drape blankets all over them and play fort once we finished mopping.

Sure that might have made a bit more “mess” somewhere else. But my Mom was just glad to not have to mop and to then have something that kept us occupied for at least a few hours afterward too.

4- Praise them no matter how well they’ve done the job:

Even though you may be tempted to correct it yourself or tell them they did it wrong, don’t. Approach them with a, “This is great AND we can also do this to make it better!” Use the word “and” rather than “but.” As in, “thank you BUT you didn’t do this” or “pretty good but this is still not right.”

If you must, help them do whatever additional work is needed to get the job finished, without telling them they failed or did badly. Remember you’re building their confidence.

There’s always the handy-dandy chore chart option too. You can definitely use one for opportunities to give them a gold-star, literally. You can also help them feel accomplished and that will build their self-esteem early on.

Helping your kids to feel capable is one of the best things you could ever do for them. So, wisely correct them where necessary, but make sure you’re also doing everything you can to thank them and show them how much even their trying means to you, and how proud of them you are.

5- Let them participate in the family planning:

Especially when they are little, kids may want to help you do things; fold laundry, help with dinner, or etc. These times are gems and you really should take advantage of the opportunity whenever possible.

A friend of mine, Becky, has 4 kids who were not eating the dinners she was painstakingly preparing. They’d pick at it and eat a little usually, she said, but they ended up wasting more food than what ended up in their stomachs.

At some point, she just got tired of it. Then she thought maybe if she involved them in the planning of the meals, they might actually want to eat what was prepared.

The family now plans out about two-weeks in advance of what meals they are going to have.

The solution is that each kid is responsible for one of the meals each week. It’s their job to figure out what ingredients they will need, how long they will need to prep and cook, and to actually do it. Her and her husband trade off every other night, helping whichever kid whose turn it is to cook.

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As a result, her kids are now more involved than ever and mealtime has become fun and something everyone enjoys. The kids have also gotten creative with the recipes, and they all look forward to seeing what their siblings cook for them.

Also, it’s given the kids a huge insight into how much groceries cost and how much time it takes to plan and prepare a meal; which has also increased their awareness into money and time management.

And maybe the best of all, if it’s not obvious already– they are learning how to cook for themselves!

It takes so much pressure off of Mom to have to figure it all out by herself too. Of course, it actually took more of her time at first, (and Dad’s) but once they got into a regular schedule, the kids were all over it.

They really took on the responsibility themselves. Even the 3-year old has her own meal day too! That one definitely takes longer, but Becky said it’s amazing how much she’s understanding now.

In Conclusion

I honestly do realize that these methods are not going to work on all children, and that this list is not exhaustive in all the methods you could use. And it will also likely not happen as quickly and as easily as this guide may make it out to be.

Helping kids learn to do chores or how to clean can start as early as you’re willing to teach them. And they’ll do nothing but benefit from it– even if they, or you, can’t see it at first.

Another study by the University of Minnesota found that “the best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four [years old]. However, if they did not begin participating until they were 15 or 16, the participation backfired and those subjects were less successful.”

Not that you have to give up on your teens, you might just need to work with them differently at that point.

Interestingly, the research also indicated that it’s best not to reward kids with an allowance for doing chores. They need to learn that participating in the family is a duty, and is everyone’s responsibility for your success.

You can also work to help them understand how impactful their help to you can be to the whole family. Explain how it can reduce your anxiety and stress, and in turn hopefully you will be happier. And hopefully that means you’ll also have more time to spend with them [the kids] doing things they really want to do.

Kids really want to know “why,” so where at all possible, try to explain that to them, in a way they can understand, the emotional impact of their behavior. They will likely get that.

I remember asking my Mom why I had to do chores when I was about 5 or 6, and her answer was, “Because it will make you feel happy.” And she was right.

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