7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Changes that Can Make a Difference

Your relationship with your significant other is probably one of the most valuable parts of your life, isn’t it? It definitely is for me! Which is why I’m always working on ways to improve mine, and keep it alive, healthy, and happy. Actually, we both work incredibly hard to keep learning about how to do that for each other. Personally, I read a lot of books, I listen to and watch other people’s interactions. I do a lot of research, and try to practice what I learn– and it’s been working so far! So, if you want to improve your relationship too, keep reading on.

I like the metaphor that a relationship is like a garden. First, you have to have good soil that you can sow seeds in. Then you plant and tenderly take care of the seedlings as they grow and get stronger. This is like making sure you are healthy and in a good place to begin a relationship.

You then need to make sure your plants are getting plenty of sun and water, and maybe fertilizer. In other words, you nourish your relationship, you make sure to give it what it needs.

Also, you watch for anything that might damage your garden– insects, disease, animals, etc. And you try to protect against those intruders. Likewise in your relationship. There’s plenty of vices, negativity, and people out there that don’t want you to succeed. You need to safeguard your precious relationship in the same way.

Then, if all of that goes well, hopefully you’ll have a strong, healthy, fruitful garden or tree or flower. The growth might reach a peak at some point, of it’s health or fruitfulness as the seasons change. (And here’s where the analogy breaks down a little bit, because we don’t necessarily always follow just like the Seasons)

As the seasons do change, you’ll notice that the leaves will die, the fruit may stop growing for a while. You might have to take precautions too, to insulate for the Winter. Like the way a relationship may struggle depending on people’s feelings, needs, and so many other things.

But maybe you need to let the garden suffer through those tough times a little. And let that struggle strengthen them even more during those freezing days and nights. So hopefully they’ll be all the better for it, come Spring. Just as going through trials and overcoming something with your partner strengthens your bond, trust, and love.

In any case, I hope that made sense. The key is, you just can’t do nothing, if you want to have a productive garden. In the same way that you need to continually work at your marriage or relationships. You do it to keep them functioning, healthy, strong, safe, dynamic, and definitely fun.

With that, I’m going to share 7 of the most profound things I’ve learned over the past 20 years being in my relationship, that will hopefully help you improve yours too. And maybe, just maybe, save you from some of the mistakes we’ve made.

#1- Listen to Your Partner

This is probably one of the hardest things for a lot of people. It’s hard to really stop what’s going on in your own mind, and pause long enough to really focus on another person, and what they are actually saying. But, you’ve got to do it, it’s non-negotiable in a good relationship.

Regularly ask your partner questions like, how they’re feeling about life? How’s their job going? What are the major things they’re struggling with (if you don’t know)? Or, what has been making them happy? What have they been reading about lately? Ask them what would they like to learn more about? Keep learning about them.

And then just listen, and let them talk about themselves. Let them pour out their hearts to you, and you just listen. Don’t give advice, don’t tell them what to do, don’t correct them, don’t tell them why something will or won’t work. Just listen to their thoughts, ideas, feelings, dreams, and hopes; and by so doing, it will help to cultivate the love and trust between you.

Think about others in your life that you care about the most, or get along with the best, or are drawn to for some reason. Why are you drawn to them? If you really think about it, it’s probably some form of them having listened to you, and you feeling like they actually hear you. You’ve developed a deep connection with them because you can feel that they care.

#2- Reduce Your Digital & Online Time

This fits in closely with the first one. You can’t be on your phone or tablet or computer all the time and expect that your relationship is going to flourish. It’s becoming a huge problem, ladies.

Maybe you’re not as guilty of doing it as some men are, or maybe you are? But you have to realize that when you’re focused on your devices, you are not focused on anyone or anything else. Why do you think it’s now illegal to use them while driving in most states? They draw you in too much and keep you from focusing on what else you need to be doing.

They have become too much of a source of pleasure for many people, when that should really come from and with your partner. But your partner can’t do that with you if you’re devoting all your spare time to Instagram, Facebook, games or anything else. People can feel when you’re not engaged with them, when you’re halfheartedly paying attention. I know because it has been a problem of mine, and it does not go unnoticed.

Now, we’ve made it a goal to limit our cell phone use in the evenings when we’re home together. For instance, maybe I need to work on some blog writing or catch up on some social media posts or read all my emails, or work on my Etsy shop, play a game, whatever. We’ll agree on a certain amount of time that I’ll work on those things, and then the devices get turned off, or put in the other room.

Because being on your phone or computer all the time does not usually inspire love and connection with the person you are in the room with, and ignoring because of those screens. So, we now limit ourselves to 1-2 hours a night, depending on the day, to use our devices, then we put them away. We spend time with each other and let the digital world wait till the next day.

It has really been so good for us, and we have been much happier with each other since instituting this guideline. I won’t call it a rule, because we want to be flexible to each other’s needs at times, but its our goal to work toward.

#3- Do Things that Reduce Pain in Their Life

I take this one from one of my very favorite books, “The Dalai Lama: His Essential Wisdom”. I am not Buddhist, I’m a Christian, and although Buddhists don’t believe in a God per se, I feel like his teachings show they have been inspired of a higher power.

The book’s editor, Carol Kelly-Gangi, explains, “It can rightly be asserted that loving-kindness and compassion are the two cornerstones on which the whole edifice of Buddhism stands. Destruction or injury to life is strictly forbidden.”

Therefore, put into practice, what that means to me is to do anything I can to reduce the pain in my partner’s life. To do something for them that you know will help them to be even a little bit happier. This can mean many different things too.

For instance, maybe your partner is unhappy with something at work right now. So what could you do to make their life at home happier or better or less stressful? How could you show love to them that might help them feel better overall?

It could be as small as doing a chore that you know the other person hates. Or opening yourself up emotionally when it’s really hard for you, but you know that they love. It could be something big, it can be something small. But the essence of it is to do them no harm, and instead do whatever you can that will lesson the pain of their existence.

#4- Rethink Your Expectations

A former Bishop friend of mine told me once that in counseling the young, newly married couples in his congregation, he found one thing common problem among them all. They were unhappy with each other because of differing expectations each person had in the relationship.

Your expectations for your life, your partner, your relationship, how families should be or behave, often determine whether you perceive yourself to be happy or not. So you have to realize is that those expectations are a choice. Ergo, your happiness is largely your choice.

Immature love is very selfish right? Our first dating relationships are largely selfish. They may be the result of simply trying to satisfy our own personal desires for love. We look for the cutest or the most popular person, or the wealthiest, or for how that person could benefit you, in terms of material things.

But at some point, you develop a deeper, emotional connection with someone. And you start to desire their happiness instead of focusing on your own, or what you can get from them, with the aim of achieving your own happiness.

Then, if that love is allowed to grow to a more profound level, you will start to genuinely derive happiness from theirs. Even if you’re not the cause of it, to see that person you love the most, being happy, makes you the happy. But you’re not even doing it because it makes you happy, you’re doing it because you love them.

There’s a Bible scripture I love that sums this up too. Matthew 16:25 “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” In other words, it won’t do anyone any good if you life your life selfishly.

#5- Don’t Be So Negative

Tons of research has shown over the years that unhappy couples focus on negative things in their relationships. When this happens you tend to also only remember the negative things in your relationship from the past. It all just stats piling up in your mind and before you know it, you’re angry and resentful and the opposite of how you’d like to be.

A 1980 study by Robinson and Price found that “unhappy couples underestimated the occurrence of pleasurable events in their relationships by 50%.” Another study found that “couples with distressed relationships were prone to attribute negative intentions to their partner’s behavior.”

We do this especially in when we are upset by the other person. You may start to think of all the other things about them that bother you too or even of things in the past that you might have never fully resolved. This just entrenches the negative feelings even more in your mind, making things worse right now.

Related Reading: 3 Steps to Changing Your Money Mindset

This has been a challenge for me for sure. There’s a lot of things in life we do, that we wish we hadn’t. And if you’re going to be able to move forward in love and happiness, you need to forgive and let go of the past.

I’m not saying don’t remember bad things as good, or vice versa. Simply allow those things to exist in the past, deal with them now if you must to be okay emotionally. But don’t take current situations and catastrophize them with the past.

If you find yourself angry at your partner, try to remember to stop and think logically. Do you really think they are consciously trying to hurt you? (If the answer is yes, there’s a lot more work to be done) But try to remember that person loves you, cares for you the most and you might be interpreting things wrong.

Lastly, try to think about whether or not you’d judge yourself as harshly. Forgive quickly, strive to be positive and optimistic. And if all else fails, go back to #3.

You won’t be able to improve your relationship if you’re just so negative all the time.

“Optimistic people consciously focus on the positive, and feel better for it, so it makes sense that couples who do the same would experience similar benefits”.

– Unknown

#6- Work on a Goal Together

This is a must in our relationship. Life can get dull sometimes, repetitive and overwhelming. But if you’re always working toward a goal that you’re both excited about, it can help you through those times. It helps when you’re not feeling those ways too!

If you and your partner haven’t talked about goals lately, get together and talk about your ideas and dreams and work on creating a plan to make those things happen.

Maybe you want to travel somewhere but can’t afford it. Make a goal together to save a specific amount of money. Hopefully it will motivate you both to save as much as you can, and you’ll feel so good about getting there by both of you sacrificing.

Or maybe you want to start a new hobby or learn something. Figure out how you can work together to make it a reality. It could also be to exercise together or lose weight or start eating healthier food.

It can be something as simple as that, or as important as say, starting a family or buying a house, or moving somewhere new.

The important thing is to find the common ground between you. Then you make a plan as to how to achieve the goal, whether it’s for you both or for one of you individually, and do it together or as a team.

Studies show that people who share goals have longer-lasting, and more satisfying relationships. And that’s what we’re aiming for, right?

#7- Respect Your Partner

One of the things that has always bothered me about people I have known who were unhappy in their relationships was the complaining about it. It is so disrespectful to bad mouth your partner to others. You need to talk about your problems with each other, or a therapist.

There may be times that you are not happy with each other, or you don’t particularly feel as in love as you used to. That’s normal, it will ebb and flow over the years.

In an informal study Mark Mason did just before he got married. He surveyed his audience and got 1,500 responses back. Those who were divorced and had only been married 10-15 years said that communication was key to the destruction of their relationships. But of those who had been married, 20, 30, or 40 years, they said that respect was the key to success.

You are always going to have arguments, disagreements, even fights. Communication will break down at times. But if you ultimately respect your partner and know that they respect you, you’ll get over those situations rather than let them destroy you.

When you know that your partner is still “on your team” no matter what, it creates a foundation. One in which you can build and keep your relationship standing. Even in the midst of a terrible battle between you, about one thing or another, maintaining that respect for them first and foremost, will help see you through. You must be able to trust in their intentions, and they yours.

You must always work on respecting yourself as well. And trust that your partner is trying to do the best they can. Trust that they are always trying to improve themselves and improve your relationship– as are you.

In Conclusion

The husband told me I should add one more (Bonus Tip!), when he learned of the topic I was writing about. It’s one of his favorite things to say to me, “Don’t be so bossy.” It’s said somewhat in jest yes, but yet, oh-so-full of truth. (I’m tryin’ babe– working on that and all of these other things too!)

My hope is for you as my reader, is to have learned something here that’s beneficial for your own relationship. While this article is definitely not all inclusive, and there’s likely at least 5-10 more I could add. I hope it gives you some of the basics that have made at least one relationship last almost 20 years.

I know that if you work at it, if you really want it, you can improve your relationship. Strive to forget yourself and work on showing more trust, patience, perseverance, positivity, and respect. Selfish thoughts or intents or self-centeredness will never yield true happiness.

One last resource I’d suggest if you need more help or ideas- The Gottman Institute.

For more ideas to help you Stop Waiting & Start Working, join my email list and get a FREE gift!